Last Friday Smile for Awhile

ED: After you read these, you’ll probably be glad I’m going on holidays 

A little boy was staring in wonder at the names on a plaque in an old church. The pastor noticed him and asked, “What are you looking at, my son?”

The boy replied, “All those names up there. Who are they?”

The pastor smiled and said, “Why, they are the names of people from this congregation who died in the service.”

The little boy thought for a moment and then asked very quietly, “Which one? The 9:00 or the 11:00 service?”

Joke #2

After 35 years, General Green retired from the Army to fulfill his dream of bird hunting in his spare time. He got a new hunting dog and named it “Sarge.” The dog was incredible at pointing, flushing, and retrieving. General Green’s friends were so jealous that they offered huge amounts of cash to buy Sarge. But the general always refused, proudly saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he’d ever owned and that he couldn’t part with him for any price.

A year later, one of General Green’s friends visited and was surprised to find that he was breaking in a new dog.

Fearing the worst, the friend asked, “What happened to good old Sarge?”

The General looked sad. “I had to shoot him. My wife kept calling him Colonel, and pretty soon all the dog would do is sit on his ass and bark.”

Joke #3

An off-duty soldier took a train. When the train reached its first stop, a general walked in, and the soldier stood up. The General said, “At ease soldier, sit down.” The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, and the General once again said, “At ease soldier, sit down.” When the train reached its third stop, again, the soldier stood up. This time, the General looked at him and said, “You don’t have to salute every time we reach a stop.” The soldier replied, “I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.”

Joke #4

A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually, he realizes he’s the last man standing.

He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”

But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!”

But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.

Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!”

But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.

He stands over the fallen soldier and says:

“Tankity tank-tank.”