Take the time to smile

The Talking Parrot: A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of this, the man finally gets fed up and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach it a lesson. He hears the parrot squawking and kicking for a few minutes, but then all goes quiet. The man opens the freezer up, the parrot calmly steps out onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavour to correct my behaviours.” The man is astounded. As he’s about to ask the parrot what’s caused this sudden change in attitude, the parrot continues, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

The Wise Farmer: A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural areas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you’re not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I’m one of the best trial attorneys in the city, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in the countryside. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old coot. Now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”