NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER – If you’re easily offended don’t read this poem.

This was MAYBE written by a cricketer’s wife in fun – New Zealand’s greatest all-rounder, the late Martin Crowe’s wife, Lorraine Downes. Apparently, he had a great sense of humour and to be a wife of a cricketer, you must’ve an even bigger sense of humor and understanding. So here it goes….


Come all ye fair young maidens,

harken unto me,

Never trust a cricketer,

whoever he may be.


Randier than a sailor

who’s been six months at sea,

Never let a cricketer’s hand

an inch above your knee.


First let’s take the paceman,

pure speed from first to last,

My darlings do be careful;

his balls are hard and fast.


Then there’s the medium pacer,

his balls swing either way;

He’s really most persistent

and can keep it up all day!


Watch out for the off-spinner girls,

another awkward chap.

If you leave him half an opening

he will slip one through the gap!


Then there’s the wily ‘slowy’,

pure cunning is his strength;

He’ll tempt you,

then he’ll trap you with his very subtle length.


So ladies, do be careful,

your mothers would agree.

Never trust a cricketer,

whoever he may be.


And what about the opening bat,

his struggles never cease!

He has only one ambition,

to spend all day at the crease.


The number three is a dasher,

he seldom prods and pokes.

When he goes into action,

he has a fine array of strokes..


And do beware the slogger,

not content with one or two;

When he arrives at the crease

then only six will do.


Then there’s the real stonewaller.

Girls! he knows what he’s about;

And if you let him settle in,

it’s hard to get him out!


We come now to the last man,

I hope this will not shock,

He doesn’t mind if he’s last man in,

as long as he gets a knock.


So, darlings, do be careful,

and be well warned by me:

Never trust a cricketer,

whoever he may be.


And watch the wicketkeeper.

Girls! he’s full of flair and dash;

And if you raise your heel,

he’ll whip them off in a flash.


If you take the field with the capt’n,

you had better know the score;

Or he’ll have you in positions

that you never knew before!


The cricket commentator

is a nasty sort of bloke,

He watches all the action

and describes it stroke by stroke.


Even the kindly umpire,

who looks as friendly as a pup.

You’ll quickly find you’ve had it,

when he puts his finger up!


So, darlings, please remember

and repeat it after me:



You may also like

One comment

  • Kenneth Taylor December 14, 2023   Reply →

    That is a great description of any cricketer.

Leave a comment